Our interview series based on The Connected Parent continues today with a focus on self-care. One might wonder how self-care applies with Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) principles. We’ve chosen to highlight this important topic because parenting can be stressful. Add in the complexities of trauma and one cannot be compassionate for others if they don’t take care of themselves. Let’s dive in and see what Sheila Wagler-Mills, TBRI Practitioner, had to say about self-care.
What would you say to a caregiver who is reluctant to make time for self-care? How would you help them understand its value, and how is it different from the stigmatized, selfish version?
You can’t and won’t effectively provide appropriate care for your child unless you make the time to care for yourself. Parenting is sacrificial, but meeting our own needs allows us to optimize our parenting, and thus benefits the child. It’s about balancing the emotional and physical needs of both ourselves and our children. Both matter, and it doesn’t need to be either/or.
Talk about the value of sleep for both parent and child. Share ways to create a sensory-balanced and attachment-rich sleep environment?
Sleep is another form of holistic self-care. Without sleep, we can’t be our best, most effective selves, as parent or child. Sensory needs vary from child to child. Some may want a nightlight, another may not; they may or may not want the door open. A weighted blanket or stuffed animals may help many. Providing a healthy snack before they sleep or next to them for when they wake up can allow a child with blood sugar issues or food insecurity to rest better. The important thing is to ask questions and make choices for what works best for each individual child to reduce fear and sensory responses.
How do you engage in self-care after a parenting fail? How does a redo for children apply to adults?
It’s based on my own need at the time. Poor behavior is based on an unmet need for both children and parents. Parents need to step back and ask, “What do I need to make sure I’m meeting my need and theirs?” We should also ask ourselves why our child’s behavior is affecting our emotions and what we need to do to work through our triggers.
Redoes allow us to rewire neural pathways in the brain so correct behaviors are able to replace broken pathways in the brain. For parents, we may need to apologize for overreacting (or another poor behavior), assure the child this wasn’t their fault, then ask for a redo, just as we would ask one of them in reversed circumstances. In addition to making a relational repair, we are also modeling for the child how to make a comeback from poor behavior.
When asked about her go to self-care strategies, Sheila said…
I create space for myself by just getting away for a bit to catch my breath. I often try to move around and even find doing chores provides a distraction and outlet. I also talk with a trusted friend, colleague, or someone else who understands children from hard places.
During the time I take in that space, or conversation, I have the goal of reflecting back to figure out how I can be a better parent. I use that time to understand what’s going on with me so I can meet my own needs as well as my children’s.
Caring for children from hard places is a big job. It takes your whole self to implement TBRI principles well. Take some time to consider what quality self-care looks like for you. Even small steps can positively influence your perspective and ultimately your relationships.
We will close the series with a post on sensory-processing needs, a symptom of trauma that you may observe in your child.
Today we continue in our blog series based on the book The Connected Parent. We began the series with a focus on attachment styles (our own and our child’s) and how they affect parenting. Written and researched by communications intern Emma Lehman, the second post centers around care for the caregiver. The Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) principles were established to care for youth from hard places. These strategies can be reframed to support the caregiver’s wellbeing so they can be their best self for their kids.
For parents of children from hard places, it can be a challenge to balance their child’s needs with their own. Hard work, creativity, and diligence are important when it comes to caring for children with developmental trauma. However, this amount of constant stress can lead to exhaustion. It becomes harder to maintain empathy when weariness takes hold.
In The Connected Parent, Dr. Karyn Purvis illustrates how the Trust-Based Relational Intervention principles (TBRI) are used to guide children from hard places toward healing. Dr. Purvis also notes that the principles of TBRI, empowering, connecting and correcting, can be used for your self-care. At its core, TBRI is meant to empower the body, connect to the soul, and correct behavior and thinking.
Caregivers of children who have experienced hardships can oftentimes find themselves consumed by their child’s needs. While attempting to meet the child’s needs, they can unintentionally neglect their own. Helping these children heal can also lead to secondary trauma and compassion fatigue. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network describes secondary trauma as, “the presence of PTSD symptoms caused by indirect exposure to trauma.” Compassion fatigue is, “negative cumulative effects of empathetic engagement with trauma.”
The effects of secondary trauma can affect parents and helping professionals alike. Don’t feel ashamed of these feelings. Acknowledge them and explore what you need to heal and regain resilience.
Empowering principles are for the body. This includes the brain, neurochemistry, and regulation of blood sugar. Secondary trauma and chronic stressors negatively impact the body. The key to creating a healing environment for wounded children is by countering stressors. Some examples Dr. Purvis suggested include sleep, hydration, and physical activity. Focusing on these areas will benefit self-care as well.
Sleep directly impacts cognitive functions and physical health. Many health professionals will encourage the use of sleep medication, but there are often alternatives that may be effective. Getting a good night’s sleep isn’t always realistic for parents. But making sure the sleep environment is appropriate for rest is. You might lower the lights about an hour before bed, limit access to bluescreens (such as mobile phones, tablets, etc.), and minimally furnish the room for a less distracting space. A sound machine and oil diffuser with a soothing scent can also provide a calming atmosphere.
Hydration is deeply connected to cognitive ability and metabolism. Even at 15% of dehydration, cognitive function declines. Health, physical activity, and environment play a role in how much fluids should be taken a day. One trick for checking hydration levels includes how frequently one urinates, its color, and its odor. Don’t forget, about 20% of daily fluid intake comes from food; the rest comes from drinks.
Physical activity helps organize the brain and release endorphins (mood elevators). Children are encouraged to engage in physical activity or sensory exercise every two hours. Since worldly demands don’t give adults that amount of luxury, a short walk while completing tasks is just as helpful. Engaging in physical movement outside can be even more beneficial. Extra points if your child is involved.
Connecting principles contribute to healthy relationships. For children with attachment challenges, this would be used for building trust-based relationships and helping them to find their voice. Caretakers can adjust these principles to support their relationships and voice. This principle is split into two strategies: mindfulness and engagement.
In connecting with children from hard places, mindfulness is about understanding each other’s histories and triggers and what we bring to relationships. In terms of self-care, it’s about practicing awareness and ability to focus on others. Take time to center your thoughts on the feel of your body, and how it connects to the world.
Engagement is about community. In caring for a child, engagement strategies highlight non-verbal ways to make a connection such as eye contact and close proximity. When it comes to self-care, research shows the correlation of social connection and overall well-being. During times of high stress and anxiety, having people around to listen and understand these struggles can make all the difference. Socializing creates emotional support, logistical support, information support, and a sense of belonging. All of which are essential for meaningful relationships.
Sometimes it might feel easier to push others away when things get out of control. In truth, it can be more beneficial for the caregiver and child if the caregiver allows others to participate. This includes caring for your child, and caring for you. Dr. Purvis encouraged parents to, “Make it a goal to pause and say yes when someone asks if they can help rather than automatically saying no and insisting you have things handled” (The Connected Parent, 165).
Correcting principles are about responding appropriately to fear-based and connection-seeking behaviors that are indicative of a child’s need. When using this principle for self-care, caregivers can address their own needs. Instead of focusing on family imperfections, it’s about proactivity and healthy responses.
Proactive strategies with a child might look like practicing social skills through play. To cope with all the daily stressors in life, what changes can be made to cultivate more joy and peace in your world? Even the smallest moments can be used for self-compassion, like swiping a checkmark next to an accomplishment on a task list or having a dance party in the kitchen.
Responsive strategies include acknowledging the way one responds to a difficult interaction with their child with unique needs. Reflection with understanding friends, or counseling from a professional, can help in figuring out what went wrong, and how that interaction can be improved for the next time. Start by being curious. Pay attention to how you respond to mistakes. Talk to yourself as a coach rather than a warden, just as you would for your child or a close friend.
Allow for slow progress, and celebrate successes. Don’t push too hard and expect rapid change. Your mental health as a parent or caregiver is just as important as being there for your child. There’s no shame in asking for help.
If you would like to speak with a licensed counselor about self-care strategies or mental health struggles, our Encompass team would be honored to support you. View our locations and reach out for an appointment.
Encourage is participating in a new respite care program that offers therapeutic relief and time-limited breaks to families and other caregivers in collaboration with Ohio Children’s Alliance.
Families caring for youth with mental health and behavior challenges may benefit from space to refresh and reset. Respite services through Encourage offer therapeutic care for youth and help caregivers stay healthy and ready to continue caring for their loved ones.
- Respite care provides short-term, temporary relief for families.
- Respite care for youth may be planned in advance or used in response to emergency care needs.
- Respite care is provided in the home of a licensed Encourage foster family with locations in northeast Ohio counties.
Encourage’s respite services are available to youth enrolled in a CareSource health plan and who meet the following criteria:
- State of Ohio resident under the age of 18
- Has a qualifying mental health diagnosis
- Is not in a foster care placement
If the youth doesn’t meet program criteria, but would benefit from similar services, consider contacting CareSource member services (per CareSource ID card) or your local county Family and Children First Council.
Submit your respite request through the online form. All requests will be reviewed to determine eligibility within 24-48 hours of submission. Requests made on Friday will be responded to within 24 hours of the next business day.
For more information, please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
What do you know about foster care? And how do you know what you know? Sometimes we carry preconceived notions that are not as accurate as we first thought.
Foster care is complex. The youth being served have diverse needs. No two foster families are exactly the same. There are a variety of guidelines and structures you may have never heard of before. Some exist to provide safety for hurting kids. Others are a reminder that there’s room for improvement in the foster care system.
What surprised you about foster care? What didn’t? Did the list spark more questions?
We’d love to be a resource for you as you consider becoming a foster parent. Connect with Heather today at 330.462.1118 or email@example.com.
We also invite you to join us for our next foster care info session on Monday, May 17, 6:30-8:30pm, at the YMCA in Ashland.
We are looking for imperfect parents. Individuals who know they don’t have it altogether and still want to give what they have.
Because being a foster parent isn’t about having a perfect home. It’s about having a welcoming home. A place where kids feel safe enough to let their guard down and start to heal.
Being a foster parent isn’t about having a perfect heart either. It’s about having a willing-to-learn heart. Willing to explore and try trauma-effective strategies to best connect with youth from hard places.
Because youth in foster care aren’t looking for perfect parents. They are in need of safe and authentic adults who will show up for them, cheer for them, celebrate them and stay with them when life is hard.
You don’t even have to parent perfectly to succeed as a foster parent. Being willing to admit mistakes and apologize is a remarkable quality.
The need is great for parents who believe in imperfect progress and have empathy for brokenness. For adults who can extend kindness and grace to youth who are hurting. Especially to teens, sibling groups and children with medical needs.
If imperfect is where you are, let’s talk about the possibilities. Connect with Heather today at 330.462.1118 or firstname.lastname@example.org. Or click the inquire button at the top of your screen.
Encourage is excited to announce that our prep courses to become a licensed foster family is now 24 hours.
Due to House Bill 8, the Ohio legislature has reduced the training requirements for foster caregivers from 36 hours to 24 hours effective January 22, 2021. Here is a summary quote from The Ohio Children’s Alliance, “Passage of HB 8 will equip Ohio’s child welfare system to onboard foster parents quicker and utilize virtual training opportunities. This is especially important given Ohio’s recent rise in foster care placements and the need to leverage virtual technology amidst the COVID-19 pandemic.”
Encourage foster parent prep courses provide the tools for families to be successful as they say YES to a placement. We have a talented and compassionate team that will ensure you have support, guidance and resources as you take the journey as a foster family. Our focus is providing standard training that is mandated by the state as well as specialized training with a trauma-informed approach.
We teach our families TBRI, an attachment-based, trauma-informed intervention that is designed to meet the complex needs of vulnerable children. TBRI uses Connecting Principles for attachment needs, Empowering Principles to address physical needs, and Correcting Principles to disarm fear-based behaviors. While the intervention is based on years of attachment, sensory processing and neuroscience research, the heartbeat of TBRI is connection.
If you have a heart to foster, yet you have questions, please make that phone call. Heather Huebner, our foster parent recruiter, would love the opportunity to answer your questions and share all about Encourage Foster Care. She can be reached at 330.462.1118.
Imperfect parents needed and YES, you can foster too. ❤️
With strong leadership in trauma-informed care and a diverse clinical team, Encourage is well positioned to care for the complex needs of youth in foster care. We are part of a trio of ministries with Encompass Christian Counseling and Christian Children’s Home of Ohio. Our nonprofit organization has been addressing the social and emotional needs of children and families for more than 50 years.
Encompass Christian Counseling offers outpatient mental health counseling through various office locations throughout northeast Ohio. Trained and compassionate clinicians care for clients of all ages and levels of need. Many specialize in the unique needs of foster families. Counselors collaborate with Encourage foster care coordinators to reinforce therapy and connect youth with additional resources.
Christian Children’s Home of Ohio provides a residential trauma treatment program to youth ages 6 to 18 with high level emotional and behavioral needs. Through a variety of individual and group therapies, youth are able to feel safe, process their trauma and learn coping strategies. Upon completion of their programs, most youth step down to foster homes.
The clinical team across our family of ministries works hard to collaborate and communicate client needs. Having services under one umbrella increases access to treatment and continuity of care. This provides the best overall care to youth and the foster families caring for them.
If you are interested in learning more about fostering a child or teen stepping down from residential treatment*, we would love to connect with you.
*Note: the majority of youth served at Encourage are not from a residential treatment program, but there are times when a treatment foster home is needed to care for a youth who is in the permanent custody of their county.