Many of us, since childhood, are immersed in the “Christmas Spirit.” We are taught that it’s the happiest season and the most wonderful time of the year, filled with holly and jolly; tidings of comfort and joy; good cheer; bright spirits; and merry.
In addition, as Christians, we know that, at its core, Christmas is an awe-filled celebration of Jesus’ birth. And, as humans, we may know that, sometimes, Christmas is challenging. We may feel our bodies telling us that we need rest from the constant go-go-go and rush of the holidays; that we might not be the most comfortable at the table with a rowdy step cousin twice-removed; and that, during the happy season, there may be grief for loved ones not with us to celebrate this year.
As we enter into the Christmas season, I’d like to encourage us to reflect on the magnitude of the both/and. Christmas is a time for celebration, laughter, love, community and family….and…Christmas may also hold grief, longing, confusion, loneliness, and pain…and…both can, and do, exist.
The tension of the both/and is even more evident within the ministry of foster care. When I meet with my foster families, I arguably feel the closest to Jesus. I see people living the call to love their neighbor, live sacrificially, and provide for those in need. I see them in the lion den, ceaselessly praising the Lord for His goodness and faithfulness. I see children learn about Jesus and relationships being restored. It’s a humbling experience to see His will being done on earth so tangibly. From an outside perspective with access to vulnerable glimpses of foster care dynamics, I notice how the both/and comes to a head during Christmas and other, family-centered holidays.
Yes, our foster children have safe, loving homes for the holidays. And, our foster children have a trauma-mapped experience on what a home is and means. Yes, our foster children get to celebrate Christmas with their foster family. And, our foster children are separated from their family of origin during Christmas. Yes, there is merry and joy. And, there is sadness and grief.
Foster children hold a lot in their mind and body. How can we walk alongside them and help hold that load in the Christmas season?
Maintain routine as much as possible – knowing what is going to happen and when will help foster children have some kind of traction and control in a busy, unfamiliar, high-emotion holiday season.
Allow and encourage choices – offering foster children choices fosters a sense of agency and importance. Offering them choices within the holiday season may show that their voice and needs matter.
Don’t force hugs/physical contact – a foster child may feel overstimulated at a holiday gathering, and physical touch can cause further alarm to their body/mind. A foster child may have had their body violated, and physical contact feels threatening or dangerous.
Be mindful of potential trauma triggers – maybe Santa feels threatening to a foster child who has experienced trauma at the hands of stranger or an adult male. Maybe the scent of peppermint reminds them of a loved one who harmed them.
Encourage family ties, if healthy – making/sending a Christmas card may help ease big emotions associated with grieving loved ones during a holiday season. Creating an ornament with family of origin pictures may help a foster child feel more connected to their biological family during Christmas time.
Create new traditions – Christmas may feel hard for a foster child. Creating a tradition with them may make the holiday easier and give foster children something to look forward to and enjoy.
Maintain a safe space – Foster children may need time and space to regulate or exist fully. Marinating a space for these emotions and experiences allows a foster child to help calm their nervous system and body.
Grace, attunement, and empathy are essential. Caring for children from hard places amid an emotional season can feel draining at the same time as it feels rewarding. Create safety for your foster youth, and do not forget to create safety for yourself, too. May your Christmas be full of care, love, and light. May it be a space for authenticity and wholeness. May it reflect Jesus within and around you.
About the Author
Alexis Price, MSW, LSW
Foster Care Assessor
I love working as a Foster Care Assessor with Encourage! I have a passion for developing deep connections and relationships, and it is an honor to be welcomed into people's stories. I am passionate how to best support our foster families and kiddos as well as getting to walk alongside them in these meaningful journeys.
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