Holistic self-care with TBRI

Our interview series based on The Connected Parent continues today with a focus on self-care. One might wonder how self-care applies with Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) principles. We’ve chosen to highlight this important topic because parenting can be stressful. Add in the complexities of trauma and one cannot be compassionate for others if they don’t take care of themselves. Let’s dive in and see what Sheila Wagler-Mills, TBRI Practitioner, had to say about self-care.

What would you say to a caregiver who is reluctant to make time for self-care? How would you help them understand its value, and how is it different from the stigmatized, selfish version?

You can’t and won’t effectively provide appropriate care for your child unless you make the time to care for yourself. Parenting is sacrificial, but meeting our own needs allows us to optimize our parenting, and thus benefits the child. It’s about balancing the emotional and physical needs of both ourselves and our children. Both matter, and it doesn’t need to be either/or.

Talk about the value of sleep for both parent and child. Share ways to create a sensory-balanced and attachment-rich sleep environment?

Sleep is another form of holistic self-care. Without sleep, we can’t be our best, most effective selves, as parent or child. Sensory needs vary from child to child. Some may want a nightlight, another may not; they may or may not want the door open. A weighted blanket or stuffed animals may help many. Providing a healthy snack before they sleep or next to them for when they wake up can allow a child with blood sugar issues or food insecurity to rest better. The important thing is to ask questions and make choices for what works best for each individual child to reduce fear and sensory responses.

How do you engage in self-care after a parenting fail? How does a redo for children apply to adults?

It’s based on my own need at the time. Poor behavior is based on an unmet need for both children and parents. Parents need to step back and ask, “What do I need to make sure I’m meeting my need and theirs?” We should also ask ourselves why our child’s behavior is affecting our emotions and what we need to do to work through our triggers.

Redoes allow us to rewire neural pathways in the brain so correct behaviors are able to replace broken pathways in the brain. For parents, we may need to apologize for overreacting (or another poor behavior), assure the child this wasn’t their fault, then ask for a redo, just as we would ask one of them in reversed circumstances. In addition to making a relational repair, we are also modeling for the child how to make a comeback from poor behavior.

When asked about her go to self-care strategies, Sheila said…

I create space for myself by just getting away for a bit to catch my breath. I often try to move around and even find doing chores provides a distraction and outlet. I also talk with a trusted friend, colleague, or someone else who understands children from hard places.

During the time I take in that space, or conversation, I have the goal of reflecting back to figure out how I can be a better parent. I use that time to understand what’s going on with me so I can meet my own needs as well as my children’s.

Caring for children from hard places is a big job. It takes your whole self to implement TBRI principles well. Take some time to consider what quality self-care looks like for you. Even small steps can positively influence your perspective and ultimately your relationships.

We will close the series with a post on sensory-processing needs, a symptom of trauma that you may observe in your child.

2 Hour Tuesday

This has been a year of unknowns and uncertainties. We are incredibly grateful for the safety and stability Encourage foster families provide the youth in their care. Our team is here to help you navigate this season and provide quality tools and resources to keep you on track.

While we wait for in person First Friday foster parent trainings to return, Encourage is now offering 2 Hour Tuesday online trainings through Zoom. Open to any licensed foster parent, participants will earn two hours of face-to-face training credits. No sign up is required. Join us as your schedule allows.

In August, we’ll take a look at helping children in times of crisis through Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI). Learn more about rupture and repair and how to help kids heal from big and small traumas in the midst of a pandemic.

2 Hour Tuesday: The Power of Repair
August 18, 6-8pm
Join the Zoom training.

Enjoy this timely session from the comfort of your home. For more information, contact Whitney Beougher, LSW, foster care assessor and trainer at beougherw@ccho.org.

The greatest need

We recently shared a news article on the Encourage Facebook page about youth in foster care being housed at the Cuyahoga County Department of Job and Family Services. We asked Encourage Intake Coordinator Angel Sigler to share more about the critical need and how we can respond.

I hear voices crying out about the need for more foster parents in our communities. Voices saying that there are not enough homes for children in need of safety. On one level this is true, but there’s a greater need in this situation. The bigger challenge is that there are not enough foster homes with the ability to provide care for children with high-level needs—especially if that child with behavioral needs is a teenager. Not many families are willing or trained to welcome them and address their unique needs. Those are the children living in the DJFS buildings.

Here’s the greatest need: foster parents who are willing and trained to take in children with high-level behavioral issues caused by trauma and help them find their way through all the pain to find healing and a new way to manage all they have experienced.

The emotional and behavior challenges of a traumatized child do not instantly go away once you love them and give them a safe environment. It is a long process, but the end is so worth it.

There are boys and girls completing their individualized therapy programs at residential treatment centers, including CCHO, waiting for a place to go. These hurting youth came into residential care because their compounding losses made them unable to adapt and function well in a foster family home. They’ve spent an average of six to nine months working their programs, participating in therapy, and now they are ready to try their new skills in a family setting. With few foster families willing or able to help them acclimate back into a family unit and the greater community, these children wait in limbo and begin to lose hope that a family will ever want them.

My heart hurts for these precious kids.

We need families to say yes to opening their hearts and homes to teenagers even if those teens are angry, struggling with drug issues, or facing mental-health concerns. If we don’t help these youth find their way out of the pain—which often looks like anger and self-medication—they will become adults with no support system, no healing, and ultimately no hope. That is heartbreaking. And the cycle often repeats with their children.

The system is only as broken as you and I allow it to be. Is reform needed? Sure. Do we want children living in the DJFS building? Certainly not. But what choice does the county have until more families respond?

Here’s my invitation. Lean in to fully hear my heart.

Will you step up and fight alongside and for these kids? Not like cheerleaders on the sidelines, but in the field getting dirty with them? They really need you—stable, caring adults—to help them find themselves in the midst of the chaos.

Patience, flexibility and a willingness to learn TBRI skills. When foster parents implement this posture and these tools and welcome kids with high-level behavioral needs into their homes, that’s when we’ll see the miracles begin to happen. Our promise at Encourage: we commit to coming with you every step of the journey—training, coaching, empowering and celebrating.

Learn more about becoming a foster parent today.

Major milestone

Throughout National Foster Care Month, we’re sharing “Blessings Found in Fostering.” We’ve asked Encourage families and staff to tell us what they’re learning and the God moments they’ve seen along the way. Today’s story of blessing comes from our Clinical Supervisor Jessie Berry, MSSA, LISW-S. Through her therapeutic role, she connects with children as they vulnerably and bravely share their stories.

One of the greatest blessings I have experienced so far during my time with Encourage is the strength of our foster youth. Although it is very difficult for many, a big part of the healing journey for our foster youth is being able to be open and honest about their past. Trauma work may occur early on in therapeutic process, however, most kiddos take an extended period of time to feel safe enough and ready to share their deepest, darkest secrets.

This week I had a foster youth finally feel safe enough to share much of her past trauma, disclosing things that she has been holding in for many years. She was very proud of herself as she hit this major milestone in her treatment. Just as parents have to heal and work their case plan, our youth have to heal and accomplish their goals so when reunification occurs, the family unit as a whole is as healthy and resilient as it can be.

“Shame gets unspeakable power only if it’s unspeakable. Shame dies when stories are told in safe places.” -Ann Voskamp

If you have a story or blessing to share, please contact Heather Huebner, Recruitment and Engagement Specialist at huebnerh@ccho.org or 330.462.1118.

Child Abuse and Neglect Prevention Month

The month of April is Child Abuse and Neglect Prevention Month here in Ohio. In 2018, more than 16,000 boys and girls entered foster care in Ohio, an increase of 28% since 2013 (source: PCSAO). Nearly 65% of those children were removed from their home because of physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect and/or alcohol/drug abuse by their guardians.

Making sure kids are safe and loved is our heart at Encourage. Children and teens coming from volatile situations need a safe place to process their trauma so they can find healing. We are grateful for the passion and commitment of foster families who help abused, neglected and traumatized youth discover hope and experience unconditional love.

We asked Emily Frazier, LISW-S, Clinical Director of CCHO’s Children’s Residential Center to answer a few questions to help you better understand the affects of abuse as well as how you can be eyes and ears for children in your community.

Trauma disrupts connection and influences our ability to understand ourselves and develop healthy relationships with those around us. It can impact psychological, social and educational development. This contributes to multiple barriers or hurdles a child must navigate.

Read the full article here which also includes information on ways you can help if you suspect or know that a child is being abused or neglected.

Thank you for all that you do to help kids feel safe and loved in your own homes, schools, churches and community.

Parenting from the heart

Encompass Christian Counseling, a ministry of Christian Children’s Home of Ohio, is hosting a four-week parenting series called Parenting from the Heart on Mondays at Parkview Christian Church in Wooster.

Designed for parents with children of all ages, we’ll focus on topics relevant to raising today’s kids. Encompass’ clinicians will teach practical skills and strategies to help manage emotions and behaviors. Plus, it’s a great opportunity to connect with other parents.

February 17 with Michele Valois, MA, LPC
Social Media Rules of Engagement:
The consequences of sharing inappropriate pics

February 24 with Dave Hicks, MA, LPCC-S
The Heart of Parenting a Youth with Trauma

March 2 with Frank Yost, MA, LPC
What’s Really Happening in Your Child’s Brain:
No, your two-year-old isn’t oppositional and your 16-year-old isn’t arguing just to argue.

March 9 with Marecia Harris, MSW, LSW
The Heart of Parenting a Youth with Depression or Anxiety

Sessions are free. Sign up for one or all four. RSVPs required for adults and kids.
Pizza dinner and childcare (ages 5-12) provided.

RSVP to Kandy Frame at 330.345.7949 or framek@ccho.org by the Friday before your session of choice.